ear doctor

2006-10-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

Dear J.

I remember a picture of annie lennox on the side of the HMV on queen. I remember the ad for radiohead’s hail to the thief next to it and having made some snide remark about them when we walked by the poster; you having showed some slight appreciation for it or them. I was such a bitch. A child. I cut you down for sake of self-identification. I’d like to show you now that I’m listening to annie lennox. And that that shows you I’m better.

Why, but it is....

2006-10-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

that masturbating, smoking a bowl, and leaning back on the couch (in that order) to enjoy the internet can make me feel a as cool as a lesbian vampire.

once in a while

2006-10-22T13:54:00.001-07:00

Dear J.

i remember you telling me that my current condition might be what i wanted all along. freedom from you, freedom from work, and the near crippling anxiety of flip-flopping between drug abuse and a posture of clear-headedness. you also mentioned that i wasn't finishing school because it deferred any further committment or assessment of our relationship. i knew you were right when you told me. and it was moments like that, when you were so clearly in tune with what i was thinking, that i should have thanked you, and pleaded with you to understand how much i needed your understanding.
now, how can I think under these circumstances? A: only once in a while and in short, pithy, bursts. am i enjoying myself? A: only once in a while and in short, pithy, bursts. I live the life I lived before in many respects save for the one that has come about in being without you. i can no longer exploit the ability to call you and gain the love and compassion of your saying 'hi amor, how are you?'

c.

once in a while

2006-10-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

Dear J.

i remember you telling me that my current condition might be what i wanted all along. freedom from you, freedom from work, and the near crippling anxiety of flip-flopping between drug abuse and a posture of clear-headedness. you also mentioned that i wouldn't finish school because it deferred any further committment or assessment of our relationship. i knew you were right when you told me. and it was moments like that, when you were so clearly in tune with what i was thinking, that i should have thanked you, and pleaded with you to understand how much i needed your understanding.
now, how can I think under these circumstances? A: only once in a while and in short, pithy, bursts. am i enjoying myself? A: only once in a while and in short, pithy, bursts. I live the life I lived before in many respects save for the one that has come about in being without you. i can no longer exploit the ability to call you and gain the love and compassion of your saying 'hi amor, how are you?'

c.

2006-10-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

Dear j,

I can only imagine what my parents are going through. My heartache is secondary. Whereas we had 4 years together, they had 40. Anyways, I woke up the other day, while staying at my sister's and sleeping on an air mattress in her living room, to remember staying at your place and you getting ready for work: between 5:45 and 7:00 in the morning. Trying to get back to sleep I closed my eyes and pictured me, similarly half-asleep, turning in your bed, responding to the small, almost insignificant, noise of you putting on panties, pressing your pants, and climbing back into bed for a second or two before you had to go. There, on your body or on the clothes you had just put on, were the nicest scents your body could ever publicly communicate. At that point in the day, just out the shower, lotioned, perfume just applied, I might have taken it all in with a yawn or with a turn to your or my side of the bed. However disinterested I may have seemed, from the nose's point of view I was immersed in your being beside me.

gato fayo

2006-10-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

Dear j.

Tomorrow i'm going to a wedding, Shaun's, while right now I've just been reading openletters about love and memory from openletters.net. Lately, some 2 months after leaving you, I continue to think about you alot. This thinking, along with the dreams it breeds, has assumed the role which throwing stones at your window once held.

You were in a few dreams this week. I even think we had some great times in one of them, but I forget. I forget dreams like I forgot to do things for you, neglecting to exhibit proof that you were special to me, that you were mine in the confusing way that people think they can own the feeling of loving someone. I thought this often, that I possessed you. And what really hurts is that I was always aware, as you suspected, that I hadn't even let myself go your way.

I remember trying to lead conversations. I remember talking excitedly about movies. Post-structuralizing Mulholland Drive as if I hadn't just read some chapters for a paper the night before but rather led seminars on rhizomatics at the local community college. This and that and the body, the double, the other, the Other, schizophrenia, capitalism; all those words, and then as I finished there was me and you rolling around the loveseat, our faces so close together that we really were the blurs we were to each other emotionally and spiritually.

I remember hating when I didn't know the answer to a question you posed, having no sense of the humour, the folly, the freedom of not knowing. As if I was dealing with this inability to enter into a not-knowing that derived from you knowing I loved you. And so I rarely showed it to you. I kept journals declaring it, analyzing it, intellectualizing how you may or may not be the one, the 'it,' that Dylan refers to when he sings "I threw it all away."

To end this, I kind of hate living these days; but I love it all the same. I swallow pride like its a Centrum one-a-day and i'm iron defecient. I hope you're in good health.

C.

warm and sunny days

2006-10-13T15:33:00.001-07:00

Perhaps someday I'll write the history of a relationship. Perhaps a history of these moments spent thinking about the relationship is sufficient; i'm almost certain that i have nothing more to work with. Perhaps the moment in that song which provoked me to begin writing this is what i should grapple with. Just how did the changes in a song i've never listened to before give me such an acute sense of the past? And why is it that this does almost nothing in the way of achieving a remembering with purpose? I have demons: truths found in watching a stubborn cat push things off countertops so that he'll get his way.

misery and company

2006-08-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

This is to be a post about drunken conversations, of which I've had a few.
Generally they happen so fast as to warrant very little attention on the part of the participants. One on one this can be frustrating, becmong a game of trying to appear concerned and sensitive as opposed to selfish and inebriated. Symptoms: finishing each other's sentences like giddy academics, cutting through topics in the manner of a tv news update, and unlikely lapses for the recuperation of the tongue and the brain. I am concerned with how these talking matches might be having their toll on my sober talk. In truth drunk talk is the logical answer, perhaps even the model for straight talk.

faith is a fact

2006-07-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

I do drugs. I drink. I created this blog to get things off my chest at random, though lately there is no more at random. I have grown tired of myself so I am posting again. Thank you blogger.

Morgane

2006-06-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

Tell me about France.

defense mechanism

2006-06-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

conjecture: 9 times out of 10 the blogger who chooses to pre-approve the comments left on their blogs is an ornery right-winger whose notion of self-expression is that they are unapologetically misunderstood.

that settles it.

2006-05-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

i'm quitting you. you're a cunt-face and i'm a psycho.

koln concert 1975

2006-05-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

i love you terry riley, i love you don cherry (not the hockey one). i love you whoever i downloaded this from.

religion for dummies

2006-05-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm up restless. Lately I drink like like I'm celebrating, as if I were free to celebrate. And yet the writing is still in the way. I've planned a move but I haven't finished yet. I work full time, I haven't finished yet. I grow anxious over finances. I want to push D. down the stairs and beat him with a blunt object. I want to fuck other women. I want to tell my father and my brother to get their shit together or i'm selling the cottage. I want to be done school and finished with displacing my anger in such a juvenile manner.

red chili pepper heat

2006-05-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

I break up with you.
I go to the grocery store for a few things, buy the latest flavour of doritos, and now I want to call you and tell you all about it.

should get going

2006-05-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

couldn't find my way around last night's mishaps and ended up drunk, crawling into your bed, unannounced. it was the wrong move but seemed at the time like the right thing to do. i should have stayed hungry, and went home, to my own bed. i should have quit work too.

wishful thanking

2006-05-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

i love you. you are 22. you have black hair, a wonderful sense of humour, a notepad, a few blue pens and my heart.

new world oprah

2006-05-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

oprah is the hitler of late-capitalism

long lost love

2006-05-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

you know that pop-up for classmates.com. I'm in love with the girl on the right; though I probably would have been too nerdy to let her know. But hey, by the time that first highschool reunion came around things would have been different.

My uncle

2006-05-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

With him, he's messed up. He drinks. The ratio of words he speaks drunk to words he speaks sober is likely 10 to 1. He hates more than loves. He vents more than expresses. More to follow.

on the scene:

2006-05-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

popular music has come a long way since jem and the holograms.

thank you for saying yes

2006-05-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

Found

definition

2006-05-08T00:49:00.000-07:00

hostile friends again.;
An attendant; a companion.
A favorer; one who is propitious;
One reconciled after enmity. Let us be f
opposed to an enemy in war.
as a friend to commerce;
a friend to poetry;
a friend to charitable institution.

who as a friend
is hostile

it's not the strap... but

2006-05-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

allowing your kids to watch 3-d animated "cartoons" should be considered a form of child abuse

little worlds of mucus

2006-05-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

A photography project: take high-res, microscopic pictures of my snot, my boogers, my picks.

for shit's sake

2006-05-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

i wanna go to Pasadena for the sake of saying "I'm going to Pasadena."

Moussaoui escapes death. I eat chips.

2006-05-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

"America, you lost. I won." I may not have eaten those Sour Cream 'n Onion Ruffles yesterday. But today, today I have.

monkey, meet back

2006-05-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

long live revision

definitive edition

2006-05-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

I want to write the definitive text on Leave it to Beaver.